|Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.|
An atheist scientist came to God and said, "We've figured out how to make a man without you."
God said, "OK, let me see you do it."
So the atheist bent down to the ground and scooped up a handful. But God stopped him and said, "Oh, no you don't. Get your own dirt!"
I Don't Want To Go To Church!
A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"
"Why not?" asked his mother.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"
The Coin Toss
By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. "Why are you so late?" asked his friend.
"I couldn't decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.
"But that shouldn't have taken too long." said the friend.
"Well, I had to toss it 35 times."
The $20 and the $1 Joke
Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired - a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. "I've been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas , Atlantic City ," he said. "I even want on a Caribbean cruise. Where have you been?"
"Oh," said the one dollar bill, "I've been to the Methodist church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church."
"What's a church?" asked the twenty.
A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche.
The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.
The Ham Sandwich
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich. "You know," he said to his friend, "this ham sandwich is delicious. I know you're not supposed to eat ham, but I don't understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. When will you break down and try it?"
To which the rabbi replied, "At your wedding."
How to Get Into Heaven
A man dies and mets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says to the man, "Here's how it works. You need to have one hundred points to get into heaven. You tell me about all the good things you've done. They are all worth a certain number of points. If your total is one hundred or more, you can come in."
"Well," says the man. "I was happily married to the same woman for 52 years. I never looked at another woman. I was attentive and loved her dearly."
"That's great," says St. Peter. "That'll be two points."
"Hmmm," says the man. "This is going to be harder than I thought. Well, I attended church regularly, volunteered my time and tithed faithfully."
"Wonderful," says St. Peter, "That's worth another point."
"One point!" says the man. "Okay, okay. I was involved with a prison ministry for twenty-five years. I went into the prison, at least monthly, and shared Jesus with them."
"Wow!" says St. Peter. "That's another two points!"
"Only two points!" says the man. "At this rate, it'll be only by the grace of God that'll I'll ever get into this place."
"Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's one hundred points! Come on in."
Forest Gump and St. Peter
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, since he didn't have metal sheds or greenhouses, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
And the #1 reason why God created Eve:
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that!"
Late For Class
A little girl, dresses in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell.
She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!"
My Dad's Better Than Your Dad
Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads. One said. "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song and they pay him 50 bucks."
"Oh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem and they pay him 100 bucks."
"That's nothin'," said the third kid. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon and it takes six people to collect all the money!"
Day After Christmas
The pastor was looking over the crèche the day after Christmas when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was Jesus.
We walked up to the boy and said, "Hi, there. Where did you get the baby Jesus?"
The boy answered honestly, "In the church."
"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.
"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to the Lord Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told Him that if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."
The Bible, Through the Eyes of a Child
Here's our version of the stories of the Bible if they were to be told by a child.
In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.
Anyway, God made the world and then He said, "Give me some light," and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors, yet.
Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars, either.
Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.
The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph
Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.
Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.
Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.
Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.
David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.
One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.
Jonah and Other Prophets
After Solomon came a whole lot of major league prophets. Jonah was one of them. He was swallowed by a whale, then barfed up on the beach.
There were some other minor league prophets, but they weren't too important.
The New Testament
When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, "Close the door. Were you born in a barn?" I could say, "As a matter of fact, I was."
Jesus argued a lot with the Chief Priests and Democrats. He had twelve opossums. Most of them were good, but Judas Asparagus was not. He was so bad, they named a really yucky vegetable after him.
Jesus healed some people and leopards. Then He preached to the Germans on the Mount. But the Chief Priests and Democrats were mad at him and put Him on trial. Pilot was too chicken to stick up for Him, so he just washed his hands.
Jesus died for our sins and came back to life again. He went to heaven, but will come back at the end of the aluminum. We can read about this in the Book of the Revolution.
Men in Heaven - Who is the Head of the Household?
At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."
God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.
God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."
Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Southern Baptist at the Race Track
Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?
One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, "With the priest's blessing, surely this horse will win." He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.
At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse's forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.
A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.
This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.
At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, "I have got to go for broke here." With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.
The horse came in dead last!
As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, "What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost."
"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
There was two old dollar bills. One was a $100 dollar bill and the other was a $1 dollar bill. The $100 dollar bill said, "I've lived a good life. I've been to the amusement park, the theater, the zoo and baseball games."
"Wow," said the $1 dollar bill. "You sure have had a good life."
"Where have you been?" asked the $100 dollar bill.
"Oh, I've been to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Lutheran church and an Episcopal church."
The $100 bill said, "What's a church?"
Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?
When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.
Catholic Heart Attack
After suffering a heart attach and having quadruple bypass surgery, a man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him. As they nursed him back to health, one of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance.
"No," he replied, "No health insurance."
"Do you have any money in the bank?" asked the nun.
"No. No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?"
The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
At this the nun because irritated. "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
"OK, then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
The Pope Wants to Drive
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
Jonah and the Whale
One day, a teacher was talking to her first grade class about whales when a little girl had a question.
Little Girl: "Do whales swallow people?"
Teacher: "No, even though they are much bigger than a person, they have throat pleats that filter their food of krill and plankton.
Little Girl: "But Mrs. Thurston says Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
Teacher getting angry: "Blue whales cannot swallow people."
Little Girl: "Well, when I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah if he was really swallowed by a whale."
Teacher, still red with anger: "What if Jonah went to hell?"
Girl: "Well, then you can ask him."
The Lord is My Shepherd
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her 2 nd grade class memorize Psalm 23, one of the most quoted passages in the Bible. She gave the children a month to learn the chapter.
One little boy was excited about the task, but he just couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced and practiced, he could hardly get past the first line. The day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the congregation. The little boy was nervous. When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
The Athiest in the Woods
An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself,
As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw an 8-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He kept running, but when he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. The bear was right on top of him with his right paw raised to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, "God help me!"
A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, "You've denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don't exist. You've even credited creation to a cosmic accident. Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?"
The atheist looked into the light and said, "Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but could you, maybe, make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together. He bowed his head, and said: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Hymns for People Over 50
Click the links below for more Christian jokes
Men vs Women Jokes
Old Age Jokes
Out of the Mouth of Babes
Choir Proficiency Test
Pet Animal Jokes
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