|Black holes are where God divided by zero.|
The Bible from a Child's Perspective
Lost in the Translation
I told my daughter that we were going to church to worship God. She asked me if we should take along a bar of soap to "wash up" Jesus.
Perhaps I was mumbling, but when I tried to explain about God giving us everlasting life, my son thought it was quite generous of Him to give us His "last wife."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday School. They had just heard a firm teaching about Satan.
"What do you think about all that devil stuff?" one boy asked.
"Oh, I don't know," said the other one. "Remember Santa Claus? He turned out to be just your dad. The devil's probably the same thing."
My three children were in the Christmas pageant. I was so proud. My daughter was playing Mary. One son was a shepherd. And my other son was a Wise Man.
My shepherd son had practiced his lines over and over, but when the time came, he was nervous and said, "We found the babe wrapped in wrinkled clothes."
To which Mary replied, "That's not wrinkled clothes, that's dirty rotten clothes!"
Giggles from the audience, but the play went on. My Wise Man son, wearing his father's bath robe and paper crown knelt by the manger and said, "We are the three Wise Men and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."
A minister looked out the window into his back yard to see his son and two friends about to bury a dead robin they found. They had put the robin into a small box and padded the inside with cotton. As they lowered the box into the ground, the boy repeated what he though he heard his father say many times. "Glory be unto the Father, and unto to the Son, and into the ground he goes."
It's In the Bible
One day, a little boy opened the big family Bible and was fingering through it. As he turned the page, out fell a leaf which had been pressed in it. He picked up the leaf and ran to his mother. "Mom," he said. "Look what I found. I think it's Adams underwear!"
King of Glory
Six year old Mike was listening to the Messiah one day with his mother. When it got to this part: "He is the King of glory," Mike asked, "Is Glory His wife?"
One Palm Sunday, little Joey had a sore throat and had to stay home from church with a sitter. When the rest of the family came home, they were carrying palm branches. Joey asked what they were for. His father told him that people held them over Jesus' head when he walked by.
"Wouldn't you know it!" said Joey. "The one Sunday I miss, Jesus shows up!"
Did Noah Go Fishing?
A Sunday School teacher asked her class if they though Noah did a lot of fishing while he was on the ark.
"Of course not," said one little boy. "How could he? He only had two worms!"
The Children's Sermon
On Easter Sunday, the minister was giving the children's sermon. He reached into a bag and pulled out an egg. He asked the children if they knew what was inside.
"I know," said one boy. "Panty hose!"
The Collection Plate
A little boy was in church for the first time. He watched as the ushers passed around the collection plate. When they got to his pew, he told his father, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Bobby, do you say your prayers before you eat?"
"No, sir, we don't have to," Bobby replied. "My mom's a good cook."
Elijah and the Prophets of Baal
A Sunday School teacher told her class about the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal. The prophets of Baal tried to get their god to send fire to ignite the offering they had put on their altar. Of course, their god couldn't do it. Then Elijah put his offering of a bull on an altar. But before he called on God to ignite it from heaven, he had the people pour water on the bull four times. The teacher asked the class if they knew why Elijah would do that.
A little girl waved her hand excitedly. "I know, I know," she said, "To make the gravy!"
A Sunday School teacher was telling the class about how Lot's wife looked back at the city while they were fleeing its destruction, even though God had forbidden her to. She then turned into a pillar of salt.
A little boy interrupted her and said, "My mommy looked back one time while she was driving the car and she turned into a street lamp."
The Good Samaritan
A Sunday School class was learning about the Good Samaritan. To make the story vivid to the children, teacher told the story in detail, describing how the Samaritan was beaten, robbed, then left for dead. Then she asked the class what they would do if they saw someone on the side of the road, beaten and all bloody. A little girl quietly replied, "I think I'd throw up."
Who's the Higher Power?
A Sunday School teacher was teaching her class about the powerful Kings and Queens of the Old Testament. "But there is a higher power. Does any one know what it is?"
One little boy said, "Sure. Aces."
How Moses Crossed the Red Sea
A mother asked her nine-year-old son what he learned in Sunday School that day. He said the teacher told them how God sent Moses behind enemy lines to rescue the Israelites and lead them out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, the army built a pontoon bridge and everyone walked across safely. Then they saw the Egyptians coming, so Moses radioed for reinforcements. Bombers came and blew up the bridge, so the people were saved.
His mother asked, "Is that really what the teacher said?"
"No," he replied, "but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it."
The Lord is My Shepherd
A Sunday School teacher decided to teach her young class the 23rd Psalm. After church, a mother asked her daughter what she learned that day in class. The little girl replied, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
Be Not Afraid
After church one day, a mother asked her daughter what the Sunday School lesson was about. The daughter replied, "Don’t' be scared, you'll get your quilt." The mother was perplexed and couldn't figure out what her daughter could be referring to. So she called the teacher and asked her what the lesson was. The teacher said, "Be not afraid, your Comforter will come."
Jesus' Father's Name
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
They all knew. "Mary," they answered in unison.
The teacher then asked, "Does anyone know what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid shot up his hand and said, "Verge."
The teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The little kid said, "You know, Verge n' Mary.
Men vs Women Jokes
Old Age Jokes
Out of the Mouth of Babes
Choir Proficiency Test
Pet Animal Jokes
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