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KidSpeak - What Will They Say Next?
What's Really Important
One warm summer evening a mother was driving with her three young children. A woman in the convertible in front of them stood up and waved. She was STARK NAKED. As the mother was reeling from shock, the five year old said, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She heard her daughter say, "Mommy can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle."
I Pledge Allegiance
Not quite getting it, the little first grader said, "I led the pigeons to the flag."
A policeman was taking a vandalism report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a six year old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, "Are you a policeman?"
"Yes, I am," he said.
"My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman. Is that right," the girl asked.
"Yes it is," said the policeman.
The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, "OK, then, would you tie my shoe?"
At the end of the day, a policeman parked his van in front of the station. As he was gathering his equipment, his dog started barking. The policeman looked up to see a puzzled looking little boy. "Is that a dog you have back there?"
"Yes, it is," said the policeman.
"What'd he do?"
When I worked for an organization which delivered meals to the elderly, I would take along my four year old daughter. She was always fascinated by the appliances of old age - canes, walkers, wheelchairs, etc. One day I saw her staring at a set of false teeth in a jar. She said to me, "The tooth fairy will never believe this."
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw that her father was putting on his tuxedo, she said, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because it always gives you a headache the next morning."
A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.
"Why," asked the little girl.
"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."
The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"
Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."
The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"
"Yup," said the mom.
Not all kids think their moms are smart. Did you hear about the five year old boy who was sent to his room by his mother for having a bit of a tantrum and calling her dumb? After about fifteen minutes, the mother went to his room to see if he was repentant. She found that her son had regained his composure. He calmly and politely said to her, "But Mom, you really are dumb."
A mother was ironing the clean laundry one day. Her son asked her, "Mother, why are you ironing those clothes?"
His mother said, "To make them nice and wrinkle free."
Her son said, "Then, why don't you iron Grandma's face?
Children and Childbirth
The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage. The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flashlight for them.
Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy. The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.
Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She said, "That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again!"
I'd Like to See That
"Oh, boy! I'm glad you're here," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side.
"Why?" she asked.
"Because now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."
"Well, he told Mommy that if you came to visit, he would climb the walls."
A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."
After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked.
"No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother covered her face in cold cream. "Why do you do that?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful."
When she began to rub it off, the boy asked, "Why are you doing that? Did you give up?"
A little boy asked his grandmother how old she was.
"39 and holding," she replied.
"Well, then, how old would you be if you let go?"
Read more kid humor.
Men vs Women Jokes
Old Age Jokes
Out of the Mouth of Babes
Choir Proficiency Test
Pet Animal Jokes
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