|Black holes are where God divided by zero.|
Crime of Opportunity
A 22 year old man in Auburn, Washington, saw a crime of opportunity in front of him and couldn't pass it up. A delivery truck, parked at a rental store was left unattended. In the back was a 50" TV. So the guy gets a shopping cart, loads the TV into it and starts pushing it down the street.
Unfortunately for him, someone saw him do it and called 911. A few blocks from the store at the police station, a cop looks out the window and sees the guy, dressed entirely in camouflage, pushing a grocery cart with a TV in it. When asked what he was doing, he first said that he had bought the TV from a friend, then turned and ran away. The cop caught him and arrested him.
His story changed somewhat after the arrest. He said he was moving the television for his friend, Jim. But he didn't know Jim's last name, his address (how was he going to deliver it?), phone number or how to contact him.
He was booked into the King County Jail.
So Easy Sometimes
A drug dealer, attempting to sell some drugs, sent these text messages to a potential buyer: "Roxy twenties fifteen" and "Hey buddy just wonderin if you needed any fortys." Those terms are street slang for oxycodone and other prescription drugs.
The recipient was definitely interested. She was a deputy prosecutor. They arrested the guy. He was charged with dealing in a controlled substance, possession of a controlled substance and public intoxication.
Use My Alias
A guy in Great Falls, Montana had three outstanding warrants for his arrest. When he was stopped by the police for a traffic violation, he gave them a false name. The police ran a check and discovered that there was also a warrant out for the man with the false name. So they arrested the driver.
In doing a search, they discovered a half gram of methamphetamine in his pocket and charged him with criminal possession of a dangerous drug. During his arrest, he gave his real name, so they also charged him with issuing a false report to law enforcement.
Doesn't Sound Very Religious to Me
This one happened near Rome, Italy. The Italians love lasagna. Who doesn't? Anyway, it's traditional there to celebrate the last day before Lent by having lasagna for dinner. You wouldn't expect the police to barge in and arrest you. Well, you wouldn't, unless your name was Giancarlo Sabatini and you'd been a fugitive from the law for ten years, hiding out in Belgium.
Apparently, Mr. Sabatini couldn't resist his wife's lasagna. He went back to his home in Italy to celebrate before lent. The police acted on a tip, staked out the place and arrested him.
Watch Where You're Going
A homeowner had no trouble detaining a burglar until the police got there. He climbed into a window and got stuck in a clothes hamper which was under the window.
"But officer, I was just riding my lawn mower."
Well, yes, he was just driving his lawn mower. But it was 1:00 in the morning in Iowa and he was driving on the highway, all over the road, with no headlights. His blood alcohol level was .19 which is well above the limit of .08. In Iowa it is illegal to drive any kind of motorized vehicle anywhere while you are drunk.
The police responded to an alarm at an elementary school. They responded in time to see a suspect running through the cafeteria and out the back door. They were not able to catch him. But when he ran out, the suspect dropped his cell phone.
The police picked up the phone, searched thought the list of contacts and called one labeled "Ma."
Ma gave the police her son's name.
Just Doing Their Job
The police were just doing their job. When someone called 911, then hung up, the police went to that location to see if there was a problem. It turns out that it was a motel where two drug dealers were staying in different rooms. One tried to call the other one in room 119, but dialed 911 by mistake.
Better Not Plan On Being a Career Criminal
A 17-year-old broke into an office furniture store to steal some items. He spent five hours there, doing what?? Well, for one thing, he tried to sell some stolen property using the store's computer. He also viewed pornography. But the thing that gave him away was that he logged into his MySpace account. That didn't make it hard for the police to identify him.
No report on whether or not he bragged about his caper on MySpace.
Dressed for Success, Not
A guy was arrested when he was apprehended after fleeing from a routine traffic stop. It turns out that he was wanted for bank robbery.
When he complained of stomach pain and lost consciousness, he was admitted to a hospital. He must have felt better because he walked out of the hospital and went into a bar. But he forgot to get dressed first. The bar owner called the police when he arrived in a hospital gown with the intravenous needle still in his arm.
Darn Those Phones
A dispatcher in Daytona Beach, Florida, notified the police when she received a call and overheard two teenagers in the process of stealing items from parked cars in a mall parking lot. They were overheard discussing which items would be worth taking. Apparently they had inadvertently dialed 911.
The police arrived and caught them red-handed.
Don't Rob a Liquor Store When You Are Drunk
A Wyoming man, who was suspected of stealing a bottle of Schnapps from the store, could have planned his escape a little better. He simply ran out of the store and into the nearest building which was the police station.
Apparently realizing where he was, he then ran out of the station. But a dispatcher saw him on the surveillance camera and alerted officers. He was caught nearby, quite drunk, and taken into custody. (They didn't have far to go.)
The police screamed to the scene with sirens blasting. A man had called to report that he had just killed someone and had a gun. When they got there, they found the man who told them he made it up. He claimed that he had been assaulted and wanted the police to respond quickly. They quickly arrested him for filing a false report and sent him to jail.
Snoopy He Isn't
Responding to an alarm going off in a hockey rink, the police found an intoxicated man trying to operate the Zamboni. He had crashed it into a wall. He had also operated two fork lifts, damaging the walls, sprinkler system and hockey net.
He was charged with burglary, criminal mischief, violation of his bail conditions and drunk driving.
Watch What You Do With the Goods
A postal worker has been charged with stealing gold which he was supposed to deliver. He made the mistake of pawning it at the same pawn shop which had melted it down to send to a business in Ann Arbor, Michigan. The jeweler at the pawn shop recognized it.
The postal worker has been charged with embezzling.
Check the Weather
An observant cop stopped a woman driving on the Long Island Expressway in the car pool lane and found a mannequin in the passenger seat. She was given a ticket.
What tipped him off? The mannequin was wearing sunglasses and had the visor down. It was an overcast day.
Nice People Swallow
It seems a certain crook had the bad habit of spitting tobacco juice. And he didn't exactly care where he spit.
A keen eyed detective noticed tobacco juice stains on some papers that had been ransacked at an insurance office where a burglary had occurred. Since none of the ladies in the office chewed tobacco, he reasoned the spit belonged to the thief and took a DNA sample.
Tobacco spit was also found at five other crime scenes in the area. The DNA in all of them matched.
The police had a suspect for the robberies and got a warrant to test his DNA. Voila! It matched. They are expecting a conviction.
Short on Cash. Will This Do?
A customer at the drive through window of a fast food restaurant apparently didn't have enough cash on him to pay the bill. He offered to pay for his order with marijuana.
The cashier refused and called the police with a description of the vehicle.
Soon after, a police officer spotted the vehicle and pulled it over. An inspection of the car turned up marijuana. The driver was arrested.
Steal Something Smaller Next Time
A 25-year-old man in Utah decided he wanted to get to Washington to see his mother for Christmas. Not having a car, he hopped into a $500,000 fire truck, blew the air horn and tried to drive away. The fire fighters ran out to see what was happening. He put up a big fight, but they were finally able to subdue him. He never made it to Washington for Christmas.
Too Dumb to Be a Thief
The police had no trouble finding this thief. When he used a stolen credit card to buy some cigars, he signed his own name on the receipt. Later he tried to buy some merchandise at a store, but the card came up as stolen. When asked for some identification, he presented his own driver's license.
He Broke Into Where???
You really have to wonder about this one. Why would a thief break into a courthouse? I guess when you're drunk, your judgment is a little off, to say the least.
This guy pried open the sliding door to the courthouse and broke into the safe in the lobby. The only problem was that it's an antique safe and there was nothing in it. It was there only for display. In fact, it wasn't locked because the lock was broken.
He was caught when he again tried to pry open to door to get out. He was back inside the same courthouse a few hours later where he was arraigned on a charge of second degree burglary.
A man came home to his apartment to find the bedroom and kitchen cabinets had been rummaged. He also found the burglar asleep on the living room floor. When the police came and were able to wake him, he was so drunk that he thought he was in his own apartment.
A man in New Hampshire was stopped at a sobriety checkpoint. After handing over his driver's license and registration, he floored the gas pedal and tried to make a get away (almost running down a police officer). The police caught up with him and found marijuana in his car. He was charged with a DUI, drug possession, disobeying a police officer and reckless driving.
Just a Little Cat Nap
Police in Arizona responded to a burglar alarm at a gun and police accessories store in Prescott. They found a man inside, fast asleep. He'd apparently entered through a window and claimed that he was driving and got sleepy. He was just looking for a place to take a nap.
He was found with a flashlight, gloves and a bag which contained expensive electronics from the store. He also smelled of alcohol.
The police had a hard time believing his story, especially since there were several warrants out on him. He was arrested.
A group of teenagers in Arkansas tried to pawn a 62+ pound hunk of metal. The shop owner was suspicious and convinced them that it was only lead. He offered them $30 for it. Since they needed money for gas, they took it.
The police were called and six young people were arrested for allegedly stealing the metal plus various gold and silver coins. It seems the hunk of metal was actually a silver ingot worth $15,000.
Two Birds with One Stone
Police in Montana stopped a car because the driver was swerving. While they were having him do the field sobriety test, the passenger got behind the wheel and drove off.
The police yelled at him and he stopped. He was also sited for drunk driving.
Nerves of Steel She Didn't Have
A female walked into a bank in Centereach, New York and handed the teller a note, demanding all her cash. The note said she would start shooting if the teller didn't comply.
The teller asked her, "Are you serious?"
The suspect responded by fleeing the bank.
Died in Afghanistan
A woman in Gloucester, UK, filed a life insurance claim on her husband's $550,000 policy, because he had died in Afghanistan of brain trauma after an accident. She had the death certificate to prove it.
You would think a dead man would not need to see his doctor for anything. But, yet, the husband showed up at his general practitioner a few weeks later.
He had also been living openly in Gloucester, working and paying taxes.
They were both sentenced to community service because (1) they were "less than sophisticated," in other words, dumb and (2) no money was lost.
Makes you wonder about justice.
Don't Mess with Pizza Hut
A former employee of a Pizza Hut tried to extort $500 for five car roof signs that he took while he worked there. You know, the kind the pizza guy (or gal) puts on top of their car when they go delivering pizzas.
The manager told him he wanted proof that he really had them. So the guy emailed him a picture. Only problem was, the police were able to zoom in on the license plates of two cars in the background which were registered to the guy.
He was charged with extortion, possession of stolen property and grand larceny.
Watch Out For the Old Broads
An 85-year-old woman heard someone break into her home one Sunday afternoon. She calmly walked past the teenager and into her bedroom where she got a .22 caliber gun she kept there. Then she came back out, pointed the gun at him and made him pick up the phone and call the police.
She kept the gun pointed at him until the police arrived. The boy was charged with attempted burglary.
Memo to Self...
A man in Texas left his car running outside while he robbed a drug store of Zanax and hydrocodine. He ran outside to his get away car only to discover that he had locked the keys inside in the ignition.
I'm Really Over 21
A man walked into the corner store with a gun, planning to rob it. He demanded all the money in the till. The cashier put the money into a bag, as the robber instructed him to. The robber then demanded the bottle of Scotch he saw behind the counter. But the cashier wouldn't give it to him because he said he didn't believe the robber was over 21. The robber pulled out his driver's license to prove it and the cashier gave him the Scotch.
After the robber left, the cashier called the police with the man's name and address. He was arrested soon after.
Never Represent Yourself
A man was on trial for robbing a convenience store. He didn't like the job his attorney was doing, so he fired him and represented himself. He was doing a fine job until the manager of the store got to the stand. When she identified him as the robber, he jumped up and yelled, "You're lying! I should have blown your head off!!" He paused, then added, "If I had been the one that was there."
It took the jury only twenty minutes to find him guilty. He was sentenced to thirty years.
Don’t Forget to Pay Attention
A man thought that the best time to steal a car would be when the driver was getting out of it. He watched a woman stop and park her car. He approached the car, attempting to steal it. The only problem was that the driver was in the process of attaching an anti theft device to the steering wheel. She used it to beat him over the head. He was arrested and charged with robbery, assault and grand larceny.
Failed Jail Break
Two inmates were attempting to escape the city jail by crawling through the air conditioning ducts, but fell through the ceiling into the office of the police chief.
Don't Commit a Robbery While Intoxicated
A woman arrived home and saw a man breaking into her house. She called her husband, then called the police. The husband rushed home and saw the intoxicated man leaving his house. It was someone he knew. So he went over to talk to him. They chatted by the side of the road long enough for the police to arrive and arrest him.
To Do List
Two men escaped a prison in Vermont. When they were caught in New York City, they were found with this To Do list:
Guns for Hire
"Guns for Hire" is a company which stages gunfights for Western movies and for other events. One day a woman called and asked if she could hire them to kill her husband. She was sentences to 4 ½ years for the request.
A man broke into a landfill and attempted to steal $10 worth of copper. Only problem is that he got stuck under a large metal trash bin for 12 hours until the employees found him the next day.
A man was charged with drug possession. At his trial, he claimed that the officers had searched him without a search warrant. The judge explained that they did not need one because the bulge in his pocket had looked like a gun. The man happened to be wearing the same jacket. When he handed it to the judge, a bag of cocaine fell out of the pocket.
The judge had to take a five minute recess to regain his composure.
Not Spicy Enough
A man called 911 to report that a sandwich shop had left off the hot sauce when making his spicy Italian sandwich. He called a second time to complain that the police were not responding quickly enough.
The employees had locked him out when he left to make the call because he was yelling at them and belligerent. The police tried to calm him down and explain the proper use of 911, to no avail. He was arrested and charged with making a false call to the police.
Three people were arrested when a recreation center reported their vending machine had been burglarized. The police arrived to find that most of the contents had been stolen. They went outside and followed a trail of Cheetos to a house nearby where they arrested the three young men.
He Loved Chocolate
Store employees called the police when they saw a 15 year old boy steal some candy bars. The police caught up with him. He denied taking the candy. But the odor of chocolate was strong on his breath.
The police took him back to the store where the employees identified him.
Excuses for Speeding
Kitsap County , Washington, had begun to crack down on speeding motorists. Here's a list of some answers they received when they asked the drivers why they were speeding:
Use Your Own Cell Phone
A man called the police from a cell phone he had stolen from a woman in a pool hall 90 minutes earlier. He said he had been jumped. But, in fact, he was just intoxicated and wanted a ride home. The woman identified him as the robber.
Sloppy Casing of the Joint
A man cased a bank in Boston for several days before he went in to rob it. When he reached the teller, he pulled out a gun and said in a loud voice, "This is a stick up. Nobody move!" He should have cased the joint a little better because two doors down from the bank was an FBI Field Office. Five FBI agents were in line on their lunch hour waiting to cash their checks.
Watch Those Metal Detectors
A man went to see his probation officer to check in and pay some fines. As he emptied his pockets before going through the metal detector, out came two bags of marijuana. He was arrested and sent back to jail.
Drug Deal Gone Bad
Using illegal drugs must really fry your brain, as the public service announcements show. A man called the police to report that he had just been robbed. As he was attempting to deliver drugs to two women in his car, a third person came to the window and robbed him. So, naturally, he called the police. All four of them were arrested.
A man was charged with driving with a suspended license. When he went to post bail, he was arrested again because he tried to pay with a counterfeit $50 bill.
Four people robbed a candy store in downtown Cincinnati. The police had no trouble finding them. All they had to do was follow the trail of candy wrappers.
How Not To Rob a Bank
She thought I would be easy. After filling out an application for a new account, she handed it to the teller, then pulled out a gun and demanded money. Only problem is, she left the application behind with her name and address on it. She was arrested with out incident less than an hour later.
A man went into a Wells Fargo bank and planned to rob it. He got a deposit slip and wrote on it: "This iz a stikup. Put all the munny in this bag." Then he stood in line. But he got nervous thinking that someone might have seen him write the note. So he left the bank and crossed the street to the Bank of America. He waited in line, then handed the note to the teller. After reading the note, the teller determined that the man was not very bright. So he told him he could not accept the stickup note because it was written on a Wells Fargo deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Bank of America deposit slip or go back to the Wells Fargo. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and returned to the Wells Fargo where he was arrested while standing in line.
What Was He Thinking?
A guy walked up to the teller and handed him a note demanding money. Only problem was that he wrote the note on a deposit slip from his wife's bank account.
Some employees of an airplane manufacturing company decided to have some fun. They stole a life raft from the plane they were working on. They successfully got it out and took it home without getting caught. Later they took it for a ride down the river. But soon they saw a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turns out that the helicopter was homing in on the emergency lighting locator beacon that had activated when they inflated the raft.
Robbing a Liquor Store
A man decided to steal some beer from a liquor store. He got a cinder block, went to the store, lifted the cinder block over his head and threw it at the window. The cinder block bounced back at him, hit him in the head and knocked him unconscious. The window was made of Plexiglas. The whole thing was caught on video tape.
A driver was speeding and was unknowingly caught in a speed trap that measured his speed with radar and photographed his car. In the mail, he later received a ticket for $100, along with a photograph of his car. He sent the ticket back with a photograph of a $100 bill. He then received a letter from the police department with a photograph of hand cuffs. He paid the ticket.
Don't Be Nervous
A nervous pair of robbers entered a record store to rob it. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled robber shot him.
This One's Not a Criminal, But Still Pretty Dumb
A woman called the poison control center, upset because her little daughter had eaten some ants. The person at poison control assured her that ants were not dangerous and that her little girl would be fine. The mother was relieved, then (fortunately) mentioned that she had given her daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. She was told to get to the emergency room as quickly as possible.
Men vs Women Jokes
Old Age Jokes
Out of the Mouth of Babes
Choir Proficiency Test
Pet Animal Jokes
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