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Clean One Liner Puns

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD:

What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture.

Why didn't the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't chicken.

Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.

Who don't penguins fly? They're not tall enough to be pilots.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.

What must you know to be an auctioneer?  Lots.

The problem with money is that it is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

When a clock is still hungry, it goes back four seconds.

She broke into song when she couldn't find the key.

Who runs the Keebler elves' answering service? The Tree-ceptionist.

When a marathon runner had ill fitting shoes, he suffers the agony of defeat.

How do you define a will? It's a Dead Giveaway.

Your debt will stay with you if you can't budge it.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Calendar days are numbered.

Puns

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.

What is the world's most popular wine? I don’t like Brussels sprouts.

How do chickens dance? Chick to chick.

What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.

What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons? Hose A and Hose B.

What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car?  A red carnation.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

The man who had fallen into an upholstery factory is now said to be fully recovered.

A pessimist's blood type is always B-.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

What must you know to be an auctioneer?  Lots.

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

What do you get from pampered cows? Spoiled milk.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well, red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Sign for a networking business in Australia: The LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business

 

More Puns:

Customer to book store owner: "I'd like to return this book on modern medical procedures."
Owner: "Is there something wrong with it?"
Customer: "Someone removed the appendix."

Did you know that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers? Yes, it's true. But, unfortunately, all the bowling league records were destroyed in a fire, so we will never know for whom the Tells bowled.

In 1853, the Tate Watch Company of Connecticut decided to branch out and produce other products. Compasses for the pioneers traveling west were their first new endeavor. Although they produced fine and accurate watches, the same was not true of their compasses. Travelers would sometimes end up in Canada or Mexico. Thus came about the phrase, "He who has a Tate's is lost."

 

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