Humorous recounts about being older, and maybe wiser too.If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel
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Clean Funny Jokes about Aging

 

Huh?

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

Mary Maxwell on Aging

You may enjoy Mary Maxwell's invocation at Home Instead Senior Care of Omaha.

 

Three Sisters

Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"

"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

Card Buddies

Two elderly ladies had been friends since their 30s. Now in their 80s, they still got together a couple of times a week to play cards. One day they were playing gin rummy and one of them said, "You know, we’ve been friends for many years and, please don't get mad, but for the life of me, I can't remember your name. Please tell me what it is."

Her friend glared at her. She continued to glare and stare at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

 

Driving Skills

A woman in her 50s was driving with a friend. She went through a red light. The friend didn't say anything. But then she went through another one. The friend said, "Do you realize you just went through two red lights?"

"Oh," she said, "was I driving?"

 

Best Old Age Joke

Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.

Old Age Jokes

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had windows which opened (in case of hot flashes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.

 

Old Age Quiz

Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

 

Q: How can you avoid getting wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

 

Q: No, seriously. How can I get rid of these crow's feet and all the wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It usually pulls them out.

Clean Old Age Jokes

 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?

A: I remember these.

 

Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?

A: Try the bookstore under fiction.

 

Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.

 

Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?

A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.

 

Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?

A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.

 

Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?

A: Yes, but it's usually in the afternoon.

 

Q: Where should old people look for glasses?

A: On their forehead.

 

Perks Of Being Over The Hill

  • There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.   

  • Things that you buy now won't wear out.

  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

  • You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.

  • Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.

  • You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.

  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.

  • You can sing along with elevator music.

  • Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.

  • Your eyes won't get too much worse.

  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

  • People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you???? "

  • You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.

  • You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.

  • In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.

  • No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

  • You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.

 

You Know You're Getting Old When

A young teenager, listening to some music his mother was playing asked who the band was. "The Beatles," she told him.

"Oh. Who's in the group?"

When his mother told him, he said with surprise, "I didn't know Paul McCartney had a group before Wings!"

 

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