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Clean United States Jokes

United States Jokes

In the United States, we live in a country where there are vast differences in culture and climate, ranging from simple country folk to sophisticated city dwellers and from temperate climates to the hot and humid. Here we take a humorous look at what we call home. Click one of the links below.

Click a link at the bottom of the page for specific regional jokes. In the mean time, here are some places you could retire. Your choice.

The Deep South:

  • "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
  • You can rent a movie and buy bait at the same place.
  • "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
  • Everywhere is either "over yonder," "in yonder" or "out yonder"
  • Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, Mary Jo, etc.

New York City:

  • You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
  • You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  • You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Iowa on a map.
  • You've worn out a car horn. ( If you have a car)
  • You think Central Park is nature.
  • You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


  • Your idea of a traffic jam is waiting for cattle to cross the road or three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  • You've never met any celebrities but the mayor knows your name.
  • You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
  • You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

Phoenix, Arizona

  • You know the difference between "dry heat" and what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
  • You are happy to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
  • You have over one hundred recipes for Mexican food.
  • You can drive for four hours in one direction and not leave town.
  • The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??


  • The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
  • You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
  • You know how to eat an artichoke.
  • The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
  • When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
  • You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.


  • Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
  • You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup
  • You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
  • The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or it was different.”


  • You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center for her.
  • You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  • The top of your head is bald but you still have a pony tail.
  • A pass does not involve dating or a football.


  • Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, podiatrist, dermatologist, proctologist or orthopedist.
  • You use a coupon for everything you buy, even houses and cars.
  • You eat dinner at 4:00 P.M.
  • Cars in front of you sometimes appear to be driven by headless people.
  • Road construction never ends.
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