|Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss|
What are Kids Learning in Sunday School?
In Sunday School, the children were learning about how God created everything, including people. One little boy was especially interested in the part where God created Eve out of Adam's rib.
Later that week, his mother saw him lying on the sofa, looking ill. "What's the matter?" she asked.
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
The Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw a picture of their favorite Bible story. One little boy drew a picture of four people on an airplane. "That's very nice," she said to him, "but what is it about?"
"That's the flight to Egypt." said the little boy.
"Oh, I see. That's Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus. But who is the fourth person?"
"That's Pontius the Pilot."
The children were learning about the Ten Commandments. The teacher explained the 5th Commandment, "Honor thy father and thy mother." She asked if they knew of a commandment which taught them how to treat their brothers and sisters.
"Yah," said a little boy. "Thou shalt not kill."
A Sunday School teacher asked the class, "Why did Mary and Joseph take Jesus with them to Jerusalem?"
A little boy raised his hand, "I know," he said. "Because they couldn't get a babysitter.
"Lead a snot into temptation." (Praying for her sister to get into trouble)
A four year old girl prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A little boy prayed, "God, if you can't make me a better boy, that's OK. I'm having a good time the way I am."
"Give us this day our jelly bread."
"Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."
"Hail, Mary, full of grapes."
"Our Father, who art in heaven, how didja know my name?"
"He suffered under a bunch of violets." (Pontius Pilate)
Here's a quick walk through the Bible, as seen by some elementary students in a Catholic school.
The first book of the bible is called guinessis. God created the world. When he got tired, he took the sabboth day off.
God created Adam and Eve from an apple tree.
Samson killed hundreds of Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Samson was a really strong man who let himself be lead astray by a Jezebel called Delilah.
Noah built an ark. The animals came to it in pears.
Noah's wife's name was Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the daytime and a ball of fire when it got dark.
Moses lead the people to the Red Sea. There they made unleavened bread. That's bread without any ingredients.
All the Egyptians got drowned in the desert. After that, Moses climbed Mount Cyanide and got the Ten Commandments.
The first commandment - Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment - Thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before reaching Canada.
Joshua lead the Hebrews into the battle of geritol.
The greatest miracle recorded in the bible - Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David had a son named Solomon. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
David was a Jewish king who was good at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins.
When Mary heard that she would be the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
The three wise guys from the east found Jesus in a manger.
St. John the Blacksmith poured water on Jesus' head.
Man does not live by sweat along.
The Golden Rule says that you should do unto others before they do one to you.
The men who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.
The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
Matthew was one of the opossums. He was also a taxi man.
Holy acrimony is another name for marriage.
Christians can have only one spouse. It is called monotony.
On the Subject of Angels
Angels don't eat, but I think they drink milk from Holy Cows.
Everyone has it all wrong. Angels no longer wear halos. I don't remember why, but scientists are working on it.
My guardian angel helps me with science, but he's no good for math.
It's hard to become an angel. First, you have to die. Then you go to heaven and go through flight training. And then they make you agree to wear those angel clothes.
The only two angels I know of are Hark and Harold.
Angels work for God. They watch over little kids when God has to go do something else.
Certain angels are in charge of helping heal your sick pets. And if the pets don't get better, they help the child get over it.
Angels have lots to do and they keep really busy. Like when you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through the window and leaves money under the pillow. Then when it gets cold outside, they go south for the winter.
Angels live in cloud houses. These are made by God and His son, who is a really good carpenter.
What I don't understand about angels is why, if someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
When an angel gets angry, he takes a deep breath. Then he counts to ten. When he lets his breath out, there's a tornado somewhere.
All angels are girls because the boys didn't want to wear dresses.
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Out of the Mouth of Babes
Choir Proficiency Test
Pet Animal Jokes
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