Christian One Liners

Short in Stature

Who is the shortest man in the Bible?

ANS: Knee High Myah.

Hymn

What is the Traditional Thanksgiving Hymn?

ANS: Low in the Gravy (Lay Jesus My Savior).

Prayer

God answers Knee-Mail.

The Boss

Under the same management for 2000 years.

Come As You Are

You are not too bad to come in and you are not too good to stay out.

Insomnia Cure

If you can't sleep, try counting your blessings.

Nutrition

The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

Yummy

Try our Sundays. They're better than Baskin-Robbin's.

Cosmetic Surgery

Come in and have your faith lifted.

Refunds

Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will gladly take you back.

Seating Arrangements

Where will you be seated in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?

Tithing

Give God what's right -- not what's left.

Which Way?

Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.

Two Ears

Since God gave us two ears and one mouth, He must have wanted us to do twice as much listening as talking.

Stand

If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.

Anger

The person who angers you, controls you!

Grading

God doesn't grade on the curve, He grades on the cross.

Flying

If God is your Copilot - you're in the wrong seat!

Unconditional Love

Yes, God loves us all, but He favors "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

The Message

Our job isn't to change the message. Our job is to let the message change us.

Promises

God didn't promise a calm passage. He promised a safe landing.

Praying

When you pray, don't give God instructions. Just report for duty!

Forbidden Fruit

A forbidden fruit will create many jams.

Greatness

You can tell how great a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

God's Will

The will of God will not take you to where the grace of God will not protect you.

Best Formula

1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

Problems

The problem ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

Peace

Peace starts with a smile.

Benefits

Working for God does not pay much, but His retirement plan is out of this world.

God is Like a TV Commercial

Then there's the Sunday School teacher who had her 5th grade class watch commercials to see if they could use them to come up with ways to communicate truths about God. Here's what they said:

God is like..

Allstate: You're in good hands.

Alka-Seltzer: Try him, you'll like Him

Tide: He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

Sears: He has everything.

A Ford: He's got a better idea.

Hallmark Cards: He cared enough to send the very best.

Bayer Asprin: He works miracles.

Delta: He's ready when you are.

Alberto Vo-5: He holds through all kinds of weather.

Coke: He's the real thing.

The US Post Office: Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail will keep Him from His appointed rounds.

Scotch Tape: You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

Dial Soap: Aren't you glad you've got Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

General Electric: He brings good things to life.

Jesus Was What??

It's natural for us to think of Jesus as being like us. And there are compelling reasons for us to do so. Here are some good ones:

Jesus was Italian:

He had wine with His meals.

He used olive oil.

He talked with His hands.

Jesus was Black:

He liked Gospel.

He called everyone brother.

He couldn't get a fair trial.

Jesus was Jewish:

He lived at home until he was 33 years old.

He went into His father's business.

He was sure His mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.

Jesus was Irish:

He was always telling stories.

He loved green pastures.

He never got married.

Jesus was a Californian:

He walked around bare foot.

He never cut His hair.

He started a new religion.

Jesus was a woman:

He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of guys who just didn't get it.

He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

Even after He died, He had to get up because there was work to do.

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