Funny Pet Jokes

Dog and Cat Jokes

House Rules for Dogs and Cats. Post them where they can be read by your pets.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food.

Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win because I will fall faster than you can run.

A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years -- feline or canine attendance is not required.

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit Us and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
   
   
2. If you don't like their hair on your clothing, then stay off the furniture. (That's why it's called it "fur"niture.)
   
   
3. I like my pets better than I like most people.
   
   
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he or she is an adopted son or daughter who is hairy, short, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

 

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than children because they:

1. Eat less.
   
   
2. Usually come when called.
   
   
3. Are easier to train.
   
   
4. Don't ask for money all the time.
   
   
5. Don't drink or smoke.
   
   
6. Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.
   
   
7. Never ask to drive the car.
   
   
8. Don't have to have the latest fashions.
   
   
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
   
   
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
    
    
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Funny Cat Jokes

Dog Jokes and Funny Dog Quotes

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